you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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