She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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