Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
