if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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