you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
