Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
