someone threw a dead crab at me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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