Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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