It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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