We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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