Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
