peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
