Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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