Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad