I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
