I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
