do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
