Swine flu. Run for my life!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
