If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
