oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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