The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
