i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
