i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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