I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
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It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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