I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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