Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize