Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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