i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I touched a dick in church today
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
