The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
