Umm I'm too high to move.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
