Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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