is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why can't burritos get me drunk
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
