Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
