ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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