My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
A+ Viking dick
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?