i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
