I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
