god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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