dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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