you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
