WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
