mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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