Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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