Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
