cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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