Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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