He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
