My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
