its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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