Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
