dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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