and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
