walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
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Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize