Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What a dumb baby whore.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
