Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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