A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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