I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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