I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
