Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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