Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
