I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
