Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
