and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
