That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
