im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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