I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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