Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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