Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
